Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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