New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
