so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
