I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize