remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
