the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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