so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
