That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
