Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
