i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
