He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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