god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
