I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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