dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So much rum. So many feels.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
