and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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