eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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