I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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