I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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