I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
