I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
