I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize