I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
