I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
