sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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