if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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