I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
