If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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