Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
