she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
