The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
