I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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