After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
