there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize