I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
