so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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