remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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