If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
