My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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