My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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