We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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