not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
