I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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