He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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