I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
