I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
