i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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