i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
