i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
