saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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