Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i've created a new STD.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
