Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
