I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
