Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
