I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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