...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
