Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
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