So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
