I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
