I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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